Bestiality or Necrophilia?*

Ok so when I said more ramblings tomorrow, I actually meant next month :-S Anywho let us get down to business.


So, right about now the main question occupying my brain should be whether Article 51 of the UN Charter ought to be interpreted in a narrow, limited sense; or in a broader sense which legitimises pre-emptive strikes. Yet obviously the question actually on my mind is a far more important one, (and one which I'm sure is currently being pondered by thousands of female tweens, teens and twenteenagers alike) ...and that is EDWARD OR JACOB?


I don't enjoy the Twilight series. The books are crap...whoever wrote the screenplay should be shot and the acting is terrible. But of course being swept up/brainwashed by the media frenzy I toddled the 2 yards down my road to the St Andrews Picture House and was positively excited to watch "New Moon" avec my housemates.


The film was, as predicted, CRINGEY. It was awful, waaaay too many wind machines and I swear if they removed all the slow motion, the running time would have been about half an hour. However I must profress, I did thoroughly enjoy myself; and for two reasons. Firstly, it was fecking hilarious, (unfortunately unintentionally so), and secondly there hasn't been this as much eye candy paraded about in a film since Troy.

We have Edward Cullen on the one hand, Robert Pattinson, or RPattz if you really want to be down with the kids. What a beautiful, beautiful man. It's like something out of a Jack Wills catalogue, he is tall, smouldering, ever-so-slightly scruffy (but in a posh way) and he just screeeaams "well bred." If I took him home to meet my family, my nana would probably faint with delight, and/or jealousy. He is the kind of guy that girls at my university go NUTS for...and yes they do make them like this in St Andrews...albeit usually accompanied with a slightly dodgy fashion sense (think tweed.) He appeals to my fantasy of being the cinderella to a public school boy's prince...untill I shake myself out of it, and remember how I swore to loathe toffs for the rest of eternity.


As a vampire? To be honest, being destined to be pale my entire life I am pretty much on the team of anyone who is making the "pasty" look cool again. Also, vampires have always been a bit sexy...i think its the neck thing.

And in the other corner...we have wolfman, Jacob, or Taylor Lautner in real life. He is an alpha male. Not to be seen fannying about in a jacket and tie, or with sparkly skin...you can instead find him riding a motorbike, or selflessly taking off his t-shirt to help mop up the cut on your forehead. He is tanned, strong and...well, to call him ripped would be an understatement. He is the reliable hunk, the powerful wolf and ultimate antithesis to the poetic vampire with the tortured soul. Plus he has a cute face to go with that body.**

In fact there are only two bad things about siding with team Jacob. One, it means you are not on team Edward. Two, unfortunately Taylor Lautner is only Seventeen. SEVENTEEN!! I mean firstly, this makes me feel like I'm not allowed to perve and also...I didnt even know it was physically possible for a guy to look like that at 17?! Where were they when I was at sixth form?? (admittedly i did go to an all girls school, but still.) First Lloyd Daniel's from X-Factor (i knooow, i'm sorry, if anyone wondered why he was still in the competition.......my bad :-S ) and now this, I am being to feel like Demi Moore. Dear lord.


I came to the conclusion ultimately that I simply cannot choose a "team" to side with. If I was Bella, I would have totally played them, gone for both and used the fact that the vampire couldnt read my mind to my advantage.  And when they inevitably found out, and started to fight each other...I wouldnt try and stop them. I'd microwave some popcorn and enjoy the fact that two of the hottest men/boys/monsters on the planet were fighting over me despite the fact I was fairly plain and dressed like an old school grunger.




Toodles!
xxxxxx





* Pinched from a joke by one of my FAVOURITE tweeters @FunnyJoker (check him out)
** I'd like to make clear that I am referring to a POST haircut Jacob throughout.

The age of the Woman Wierd...

What a time for female artists...seriously wow. Lady Gaga has EXPLODED onto earth from whatever whacky planet she came from... Katy Perry is doing well (from a slightly shittier planet next door to Gaga’s)...Rihanna has become officially the coolest person in the universe...La Roux has released the heartbreak album of the century...Beyonce is still slugging away, incredibly still coming out with masterpieces... and Lily Allen got it spot on with her make or break second album. Even Britney’s comeback was a triumph. But can all these women have lasting success?

Let’s start off with someone who already has had lasting success, in fact she has been around for donkeys...Beyonce really is the artist of our generation. I seriously feel like the way I behave towards/ think about the inferior sex has been shaped entirely by my year 7 obsession with the “Survivor” album. Then from “Crazy in Love” to “Irreplaceable” to “Single Ladies” she has come up an iconic song/video combination on every one of her solo albums. I keep expecting her to fade, but she just keeps getting better. No, she may not be as exciting as Rihanna is at the moment, or perhaps even Ciara or Keri Hilson. But I still know every single word of every single song on I Am...Sasha Fierce [and I bet you do too], so long live the queen!

La Roux has recently overtaken Gaga as my favourite new act. If you can get past the fact that Elly’s distinctive voice makes their songs sound just ever-so-slightly samey, the album is just INCREDIBLE. “Tigerlily”, “Quicksand”, “Cover My Eyes” and “Bulletproof” are songs which scream heartbreaking vulnerability and anger. The sound is original and the fashion is uber on-trend. The new video for “I’m Not Your Toy” is fantastic [if you haven’t seen it – you-tube it now] and the rare glimpse of Elly smiling and goofing around at the end is just what was needed to slightly dent her icy futuristic image. One to watch...

Now Rihanna wins the most improved award for me. Do you remember the girl from “Pon de Replay?” Now look at her! The haircut has inspired looooads of copycats, the dominatrix attire has seeped its way down to Topshop and her songs have dominated the last three summers. You wonder just how Jay Z broke the news to his missus that she wasn’t cool enough to feature on “Run This Town”…:-S

Now where to begin with Lady Gaga? I have been obsessed with her from the start. Some people are writing her off as a crazy slut… but I think there is something FAB about her. She’s like an r&b Freddie Mercury, a nut job; but a very talented one at that. In fact her live performances are as wild as Queen’s were [sparkler boobs anyone?] and I think the she-man rumours are doing wonders for her career. The second album will be tricky for her though, her videos and style have only got more and more outrageous since “Just Dance” – topping “The Fame” will be no mean feat.

And if only Leona Lewis wasn’t dead behind the eyes…she might have been counted amongst these terrific ladies….

TOODLES. More ramblings tomorrow.

x x x x